Mom has taken a turn for the worse. Back down in Cushing with her. I'll be here 'til the end.

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Mom had a good day yesterday. The meds are giving her the chance to get on top of the pain and the nausea, and she was able to eat both yesterday and a little the day before. We had family in from out of town, and she enjoyed a good visit with them. She was even capable of getting up and going out to the restaurant and to run some errands.

We had some further talk about her wishes. She's a stubborn woman, unsurprisingly. I come by it honestly. She believes that now that she has meds, she can manage on her own for a bit. Hospice will be calling daily and coming by weekly. I'll be calling daily and likely coming down weekly, and talking to the hospice nurse on a every other day at least basis. The hospice nurse knows to call me if anything changes, and she is dedicated to keeping me informed while supporting my Mother's wishes. We are all on the same page.

Mom is adamant that she doesn't want me to stay full time yet, and since she is still of sound mind, I will honor her wishes, even though it is very hard for me.

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Can't sleep. Sitting here listening to my mother's breathing, so afraid with every intake that it will be her last. Her breathing is shallow, labored. I can not at all accept that my mother is dying. She's always been so strong, and this is happening so fast. Yesterday she was so much better than today, and she says it has gotten worse every day. At this point, I am truly afraid that tomorrow afternoon won't be soon enough, that by the time Devon gets here it will be too late, that he won't get to say his goodbyes. Just like I did with my brother when my mother and father were racing across the country to get here, I'm trying to hold her here for just a little longer by sheer force of will.

I cannot handle this. I cannot do this. I know I have to, that somewhere inside of me there must be some untapped reserve that I'm going to have to find and drain to be able to cope with this, but I will tell you that there may be nothing left of me at the end of it. Every muscle of my body aches and is wound tighter than a bow string. I'm afraid to leave the room long enough to pee for fear she'll slip away while I'm gone.

A year and two months. That's how long ago I lost my brother. I had just now gotten to the point where there were days I wasn't crying, whole days where I could think of my brother and not bawl. Even the crying myself to sleep had slacked off, and now...

I can't. I just can't do this. I just need more time. Six months or a year, I might have been more ready. This is just too fast. Yesterday she was talking about things we needed to get done, and she's declining so fast that there isn't going to be time to do any of them.

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Yesterday we added a new member to our family. She's a 2 month old Pomapoo who I have named Beltane, but she'll be known as Belle for everyday usage.

She's adorable. I've fallen completely head over heels in love with her. There are pictures on my Facebook, since I don't know if I can add one here from my phone.

Oh, guess so!

She's a perfect little ball of fluff, tiny and precious. I'm so glad she came into my life when she did!

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Think I'll make this a thing, since it helped a little last week.

1) Had a good dress rehearsal weekend. Enjoyed the time with the Ok wenches and fit in my garb, barely, thank goodness.

2) Had a good Zumba session last night and just went and worked up a sweat doing some yard work today. Now to kick off some laundry ( which I actually enjoy doing) and then work in my room some so we can get my closet rod repaired this weekend.

3) Found good bargains yesterday on fabric for new bloomers and chemises for Molly. Home Fabric and Decor was especially good, as I made it out of there with 10 yards of fabric and 5 yards of trim for less than $20! Score!!

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I'm having a rough time today, because I have to leave tomorrow evening right after Brian and Bridgit depart for their father/ daughter dance, and I really don't want to. I know once I get down to Oklahoma for dress rehearsal weekend that I'll have fun, but I'm sad I can't be here when they come home from the dance.

So, to try to pull myself out of my funk, here's some good things about today:

1 - I just had two pieces of toast, perfectly toasted and smeared with butter and some of Susi's apple butter. She really does make the best apple butter I ever tasted.

2 - Ni, the household cat, is sitting on the floor contorting herself and lifting up her belly chub to clean under it, and she is always quite silly when doing so, and she looks up at me and makes the funniest faces.

3 - In a few minutes I get to go to the mall and shop for Nevaeh's birthday present from my mom and all of us. I'm happy she liked my idea, and I'm happy this is something I can do for my mom, to take a little stress off of her, since she does so much for me. Also happy I will get to see Tisha and Nevaeh when I'm down in Oklahoma. I haven't been back since I moved away, and I miss them.

There. Three is good, right?

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I miss my faith. I have no idea how to go about regaining lost faith, but I miss it. I miss the comfort it used to bring me. I miss believing in my soul that everything would be all right, if not in this world, then in the next. Try as I might, I can't find a way to regain the belief that I have lost. It's very frustrating.

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Can't win. Utterly exhausted from trying.

I'm sure this post will cause trouble a week from now, too, but I'm home, alone, frustrated. Again. And I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to be something I don't know how to be, and I'm tired of everything going good for a few days only to have it blow up in my face. Again. I'm tired of two steps forward and three back and no one truly happy. I'm tired of everyone feeling they are sacrificing and compromising. If it's this hard, if it's a constant battle, then why are we still doing it? Do the good times still outweigh the bad?

Reason says we should have given up months ago.

I just don't know anymore.

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Good: The trip, which really deserves it's own post but isn't getting it today because of time constraints. Things I want to expound upon in said post are: the mountains and my varied reactions to them, the Denver Aquarium, the different places we stayed and why they were awesome, Brian's family, audio books, Dinosaur National Park, Eileen's family, and how my mom is awesome.

Bad: Altitude sickness is very real, and I am very prone to it. Do not expect to see my planting my flag on Everest any time soon.

Good: When I came home, I went to Zumba, even though I was exhausted. While there, I got info about an Irish dance class that is reasonably priced that I am strongly considering joining. Back on the exercise train, full steam ahead!

Bad: I'm a little freaked out about a health problem that I'm going to have to suck it up and make an appointment to get checked out. Without going in to too much TMI detail, I discovered a lump in a very delicate place that sprang up overnight (Thursday night) and is the size of a cherry tomato. Likely just a cyst, as women do get them, but still very worrisome, as they can be malignant. So, Monday I begin my quest for someone who will biopsy it and make it go away.

Good: The trip oddly relieved some issues between Brian and I that I didn't even know were there. That's always good.

Bad: Went in to Lush Thursday to check out the new Easter scents and found that they had actually hired back two of the holiday hires and I was never contacted to see if I was interested in returning. Just makes me feel sad and unwanted and incapable. It was a hit to my confidence that I really wasn't prepared for, especially now that the trip is done and I need to begin job searching in earnest again.

Good (causes I always try to end on Good): While at Lush I found a new perfume that I love. 25:43 is so utterly divine, and I love the way it smells on me. I wish I could afford to stock up on it, because it is a limited edition, but I did at least buy a small bottle to savor and enjoy. It starts out with a fresh lime and lemongrass scent and drys down to a spicy vanilla. So yummy!

That's it for now. Busy day ahead with a longtime scheduled visit to The Sanctuary, and hopefully a stop in at the birthday party of a friend/ Zumba instructor.

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Last day in Utah. Having a wonderful trip, but ready to be home, sleeping in my own bed. The trip over the mountains was beautiful but rough on the ears for me. Still, I'm glad we came. Brain's family has been very nice and accepting.

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It started last night, with swollen, sore tonsils. Woke up this morning barely able to swallow, throat sore, head aching.

So not a great time for this, considering I'm supposed to be preparing for a 10 day car trip that starts Saturday. Terrible timing.

If you have any get well vibes to chuck my way, I'd appreciate it.

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A friend and frequent spot of sunshine in the barren LJ landscape, popfiend, has suffered an unimaginable loss today. My heart is broken for him, and I mourn deeply with him.

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I just keep playing the events of one year ago over and over in my mind. Managed about 4 hours of sleep last night, which was a little more than I managed that night. Keep looking at the clock thinking, "And now is when I got the call. And now is when I was performing CPR. And now is when the doctor at the first hospital was telling us he was dead. And now is when they got him back long enough to life flight him."

Now is when I would have been in the hospital waiting room in Tulsa, waiting, hoping, praying, keeping my mom updated as she drove as fast as she could from out of state to say goodbye to her only son, the son I couldn't save.

It's a year later, and everyone can forgive me but me.

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Yesterday was my seven year LJ anniversary. Hard to believe I planned it as an actual journal, likely to be read by no one but me. Thank you for being here, for whatever portion of the last seven years you have been along for the ride.

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2011, I shall not miss you. 2012, I hope you are better. That's the closest I can come to faith at the moment, but hope is better than none, right?

Much love to you all.

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I know I haven't been journaling. I haven't really felt up to much socializing of any kind. Mostly been hermiting.

Christmas was lovely, or as lovely as it could be. Mom was here for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, and she spoiled us all thoroughly.

My holiday job at Lush is drawing to a close. I had hopes of being retained after the holidays, but the budget isn't there at the moment. The possibility exists for rehire, but we'll just have to see how things go.

Still not dealing well with things regarding my brother. Still miss him incredibly.

Things at home going as well as can be expected. Devon seems hell bent on failing seventh grade, and nothing I do, positive or negative, seems to make a bit of difference. Maybe this is one of those mistakes he has to make on his own. He has a girlfriend named Sarah, and I like her quite a bit. Haven't had the chance to meet her family, but apparently they are poly and pagan, so they weren't shocked at all by Devon's family. Makes things easier.

Not much more to say.

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Huge thanks to my Secret Santa, Beth, for my snuggly blanket and pillow! Just what I need to survive my first winter full time here in the Great White North!

*mwah*

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My brain is a terrible place to be. A lobotomy never looked so good.

People watching at this mall is bad for my self esteem. Everyone is so skinny and well dressed.

I need something that I have no idea how to articulate, much less ask for or find. Very frustrating.

Work in 20 minutes. Fake it, today.

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Working at a store that's very focused on its holiday campaign is already a bit tough. The manager asked me yesterday when we were walking out when I like to decorate for Christmas, and I told her after Thanksgiving, but the truth is that I have no idea if I will feel like messing with it this year. I'll fake it, for the kids, but it will likely be minimal. All I can think is how we still had my brother this time last year, how we had no idea what was coming. I've never felt less like celebrating when all I can see is the hole shaped like him that is still in my life. It's likely good that I have this job to help stay my complete slide into holiday induced depression this year, because I'm not sure how I would do without it.

I miss him so incredibly much.

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